Been three years since last time I blogged but the thing is those three years passed by as if it was less than a year but at the same time it feels like its been ages..
Like everything else going on in our lives, you think everything is the same day by day but when you pause for a moment and look back at what you've missed along the way; seems like there has been alot that differed than back then.
Can't even recap all what happened since then, or maybe i just buried it somewhere deep down so i just can't reach it or trick myself into thinking that.
It's been one hell of a ride full of ups and downs!
Maybe i'm not making any sense so far yet making sense still; that's life. Ironic.
You do but you don't.
You can but you won't.
You will but you can't.
Yes but no.
Go but stay.
It's all full of this and that.
Yet it all comes down to the choice you make.
But the only thing that I learned throughout the past 21 years were; nothing will ever go the same as you want/plan so you might as well just go with the flow.
Been trying to applicate that into my life but most of the times i fail to.
Bright side is I'm still trying *laughs ironically*

No drama, only how I really feel.
My piece of paper to let it all out is here; to myself wishing that when writing it down it might make slightly better, and not to be a drama queen but..

It feels like my world is falling, crumbling apart, life is becoming meaningless & that's just the start.
My hearts coming so sore, I can feel it breaking & I swear to god it leaves me shaking! Late at night till early in the morning, lying in bed eyes wide open, last night couldn't sleep, like all the others, instead I just lie crying in the covers.
I keep telling myself "Quick, wipe away all the tears before they come near", must hide this pain & the feelings of I don't know what but maybe depression..

For all they know I'm happy & always smiling, but deep inside my soul is slowly dying.
I can feel it rotting, it wants to scream, but I won't let it; specially not for the time being!
I can never tell them how I feel cause the happiness I wear to them is real, so I'll try my best not to be selfish, as I'll keep my secret hidden.

Put the mask down, and speak it all out!
Every once in a while we all face a time when we can't think clearly, when all there is; is a big mess inside our head and the trials to get rid of it aren't as easy as some think, in fact they get harder as each day passes..

We feel insecure, shattered, mad, lonely even if surrounded by a bunch of people, we get to deal with several mood swings as a result of not knowing what is going on and it's as it seems; out of our control, what's causing all the blurring, it's driving us insane!
It's like we're losing track of who we really are..

Its becoming real hard to overcome such a phenomena going on inside our heads shifting us off balance, forcing us to go through that feeling; when you can't wait to go home, into your room, hide under the blanket and cry yourself to sleep as an escape of each day hoping that maybe when waking up, things will be better.. Know that feeling? I bet each one of us have felt it at least once through his life!

You know that feeling when you hate everyone around, when you don't want to make a sound, when all you want to do is cry, when you feel like you’re dying inside, when your thoughts wonder all the time, when you can't sleep even though you’re tired, when you can't stop shaking outside, when you put on a mask to hide what you feel, when you feel weak, when you can't even fake a smile, and just sit there pokerfaced..?
When feeling trapped inside that hideous mood and wanting to get out of it but just can't.. It makes you feel so helpless, makes you feel pain, stupid, mad, sad, tensed, makes you lose self control, hate everyone, makes you unable to think, lonely, sick..

That feeling is indescribable but there has to be an end for it, it's taking control of our lives at some phase along the way, or I believe so..

Maybe all we need to put back that smile on our face again is to speak our heart and mind out to a loved one that not just hears us but listens too, it doesn't matter if they don't have anything to say as long as they will stay focused along the way, at that phase we need to be heard maybe it'll makes us feel better, that mood can't be overcomed all by only ourselves, we need help and it's not a shame to ask for one.

Remember, a strong woman admits when she's weak and in pain to her loved one, it helps her to grow stronger, so don't hesitate to talk to someone that's close to you, just go for it.. And if there's no one to talk to; a piece of paper with all the stuff going through your head written on it will do just fine to lift off a burden of you and make you feel better. Just don't stand there watching all that happen to you and still have your hands tied behind your back, do something about it instead!

Each of us has the potential to do whatever we set our minds to, we have to bring it up to the surface and use it wisely, specially to get through that phase and balance everything back. Have faith and never lose track of hope!

Someday, just not today i guess.
So this is what I wish for I guess in a guy or to rephrase it, in the right *not perfect* guy.

Guys see themselves as men, then he should be able to act like one. I want him to remind me everynight that he loves me, & prove it day by day. Its not enough just to say it, I need proof, & its totally true so just you know that actions speak louder than words. Maybe if I don’t feel the same right away, maybe when I feel it someday, then I would want to know that its true, not just passing phases.

I want him to look out for me, love me, be there whenever I need him, I want to be part of his soul, that he don’t want to live without. I don’t want someone to waste time with me, play with my heart, feel the beat & then just give it away. I don’t want one of the guys who are like when they can’t have me, they suddenly want me, I don’t want someone who will just stop loving me, once he has me. Cause when I love I truly do, & I can’t take any more disappointments in life, yeah this is real life, that’s what I want.
Someday I will find that guy & he won’t ever let go, I’ll imagine myself with the ring round my finger, & he’ll turn it into reality. I want someone who won’t let my heart go seeking any other direction, yeah he’ll be in demand, but so am I. but if he’s weak & try to sneak, I’ll have to tell him goodbye #CheesyButTrue. I want to be his one & only destination, I’ll just leave it to fate, turn it into god & may our hearts collide.

I don’t want us to rush things through, cause I’m afraid that – the love with the hottest start will be the one that will end with the coldest – might really happen. I want him to take me as I am, I’ll be better ofcourse, but I want him to see the true me, not abiding to what people say. I want him to never lie to me, no matter what, cause with lies, then no trust is there. & once its fractured, it’ll never be the same again.

I want him to be my bestfriend before my lover, I want to be able to tell him anything, & the same for him. I want us to fight for our relationship & never let go. Yeah I said I won’t be in any relationship these years, or at least not in this year, but then if Mr.right is finally here, he’ll wait, cause I’m worth it, on the other hand, if he doesn’t then he’s just not worth it and definitely not mr.right.

I believe in fairytales, modern ones more, why wouldn’t I ?  yeah I’m not a princess but I want to be his queen. Can’t this really happen in real life? Or will I just have to say again : Because in real life you're not what I thought. Real life, this isn't what I want. Happy endings are true not just in books, & I’ll make my own happy ending, only when I find what I want. 

Don't let it drum you out.

                  Just for a few minutes, let go of all the things you've in mind and stop for a while to think about it. Didn't you think before that maybe for a second it was also your fault in something you blamed it all on someone else ? I'm guessing the answer is YES. Or have you ever thought that all those those things that once good gone bad isn't all because of the surroundings ? 

                  Pause your life for few minutes & redraw your life pattern infront of you. Your message in this life is to make a difference in this world & you can't make that change while you can't change yourself to better & look to life with a better prospective. Well as they say stars shine the most in the darkest nights. Also is life. Non of us is perfect, & we shouldn't be. Why would we? Perfection is boring! I'm just asking if we could make a difference in our own lives, which can be done. 

                  Change your life pattern. Undo that daily dose that you do everyday in waking up,washing,brushing,dressing up,going to work,...etc. or when you're off you just lay in bed. How about giving yourself 10 minutes in the morning for a little bit warming up for the big day waiting for you, How about changing the place you go out everytime you go out & do sth that will ensure you that you'll have fun. Start with some little changes to your everyday dose, Start with some little changes to the way you think for example treat everyone as you want them to treat you.

                   I'm not asking you to change completely, NO, i'm asking you to add some spice to your life, Be your own cherry on the top of your day. Be responsible for your own happiness, Don't whine, & Don't act like a drama queen. Your attitude is based on how you decide. Pick your battles wisely. Sometimes its the smallest decisions that can change your life forever. & There's nothing wrong with change as long as its in the right direction. If you don't like sth in you, then change it, if you can't, then change the way you look about it.

                   Don't stand still, Keep moving, & try to make sure you're moving forward, even if you're not moving fast, but at least you're not standing still. The thousand mile journey starts with a single step. Take that step & change to the better. Don't make excuses, Its your time now. Define your own life. Cause if you don't create change, then change will create you. Your world is yours! 

It's easy to make a buck. It's a lot tougher to make a difference.
                                          You ask me to be just myself, & then you judge me. You ask for my opinion then when i say it you don't like it or you don't accept it. You ask her to be your girlfriend then when you're bored & want a change you just dump her for another girl. You ask him to tell you how he really feels about you but when he does you don't accept the way he sees you cause its just not the answer you expected ! You want to ask someone about some answers for questions but you're afraid that the answer might be the opposite of what you thought. Yeah most of the times you want to feel,see,say,do stuff in our own way but the world doesn't revolve about only you ! Before you ask more questions, think if you wanna know the answers. Cause sometimes, there are things that are better left unsaid.

                                   We have to accept the idea that things aren't gonna be always as we think, we can't just rush & judge someone by what has been told about him or judge him for what he is. There's a reason for everything, & who are we to judge ?! we're nothing infront of God *Allah*, God *Allah* is the only one who has the right to judge anyone ! not us ! Also we should focus on our lives a little more, how to make ourselves & others feel better, we can't focus about "He said, she said, he did.., she did..,...etc". You have your life only once, can't use that once to make others centre of your world, can't matter only about immature stuff, can't keep judging everyone beside you while you didn't even find your own flaws to change them to something better! 

                                     Yeah life's unfair, but that's not an execuse. You can't let some bad choices to hold you back . Rememeber Empty pockets never held anyone back. Only empty heads and empty hearts can do that. So be smart while living your life, cause its limited edition, you have only one life to live ! Start to make changes to your life, Better choices for a better change ;) 
                                        We shouldn’t look back, only forward. That why our eyes are in the front . We should just be ourselves but try to change to better but not a lot. Yeah your past may be cloudy, but your future is spotless. & you can see it in a another way, think about it  if God gave us all good days, then how would we learn from our mistakes? You're the author of your own life don't put your future in unknown hands – pur your future in good hands - God *Allah* & your own. & It does not matter how slowly you go so long as you do not stop. You future is a head of you, don't let anyone with bad influence on your life hold you back .

                                      So please stop waiting for a map. Cause those who draw their own maps are rewarded, not those who follow them. Also you may blah blah blah about all those problems, But don't think of problems as difficulties. Think of them as opportunities for action.The purpose of life is a life of purpose. Find that purpose that you're living for. God created you to make a difference in this world to turn in to a better world, Define your own life. Stop talking about others life & matter about yours. Wanna create a meaningful life ? Then dream it; & pursue it. & When you keep getting the wrong answers,then you might wanna start trying asking better questions.

Don't wear it as the fashion of your hat.
                          You can't have a rainbow without a little rain, or at least that's what's said ! & throughout our lives that phrase have proven that it existed from the storms that hit us almost everyday, all those *Trust-issues* from the lies, broken promises,..blah blah blah. Also from backstabbers, users, fake friends, jerks & a lot of others that teach us a lesson everytime we meet them. But at the end of that storm, everything has to turn to better cause if it's not okay then that's not the end yet.

                         I would like to ask you something, Have you ever known the BIG SECRET of getting out of every storm ?! Yeah some of you might know but others don't or they think they do & NO its not good luck, But today is your lucky day cause the big secret isn't that hidden, in fact many have told you about it but you maybe just was involved so much in your vortex that you didn't listen well. That big secret that some die without even knowing it, is Believing & having faith in God *Allah*.

                         As having faith in God *Allah* is the light that guides you through the darkness. It is such comfort to drop the tangles of your life into God's *Allah* hands and leave them there cause he will never let you down. Cause When God *Allah* calls you to do something, he enables you to do it. & if you try to have much faith in god that way you're letting go of fear. God *Allah* is always there for you more than anybody will, He's ready to help you & give you strength for life's bumps. Don't even hesitate in turning your things to him cause when sorrow looks back, & worry looks around, faith in God *Allah* makes you look up.

                          Now when we start to talk about relationships & ask ourselves why most of the time they don't work, Here's the answer, they end as a result cause You didn't put God *Allah* first, so always put God *Allah* first in your relationship as he's the strength to make it last.

                          I'm pretty sure that you want a better life, and you can only achieve it by alot of ways but ahead of them all is Believing & Having faith in GOD *ALLAH*, & that's why you should wash your face every morning in a bath of praise. & everyday do your best cause God *Allah* will do the rest. Someone once told me " No God, No peace. Know God, Know Peace" & since then i've been trying to know God *Allah* as much as i can. & when life knocks you down,Don't forget that while you're down there to pray & God will answer your prayers & give you strength to get up again ':)'.

Out of the strain of the doing, Into the peace of the done.

                            Why is that people's reaction & opinion always important to us ?! Even if those reactions & opinions annoy us, we still seek for them. & those phrases " He said not to.." but " She said yes.." well " Idk what's their reaction will be ?!" & a lot other ones. Those phrases that head us to that vortex, that complicate things more than they are. Why aren't things as simple as " If i want it then i'll do what i have to, other than that they don't matter ".

                            “If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.” That's what you should keep in your mind, not "No, i can't do it cause ____ doesn't like me doing it or having it" The only one who should matter the most while picking our life choices it "Allah" then comes out parents. I don't care how much that friend who asks me not to means to me because if i really want to do it then I WILL. "Want something then you'll do everything to have it, no excuses, no broken promises, no lies ". So keep me out of that *Trash* conversation that you want to but somebody doesn't want you too, & then you ask "what should i do ?" while you already know the answer.

                             Don't tie your life's knot around "People will say..." circle ! But instead tie your life's knot around "What i want..." circle ' :) '. Lead your own life, don't let other lead yours, you have only one life at the end ! Our goals are represented in our success, our relationships, our life style, everything. Why let anyone lead your relationship to i don't know where !? As i said it's your relationship, really want it, then fight for it, & its always mind over matter, you shouldn't mind about them & who are against you shouldn't matter. Two people loved each other crazily but when they break up they blame people around them, well yeah they may be blamed but also those two who were in that relationship didn't fight for it they way they should have . They just let it go & didn't take that big step to get over their relationship problems. 

                             Now people aside, to the couple's side, He cheated on her for example, she breakes up with, tell the whole world that he cheated, blame him for all what happened, well yeah i can't deny he's made a bad choice by cheating on her, & i'm not okay with him cheating in fact i hate cheating, but the problem is that he wouldn't have cheated on her if she really gave him all what she has got. Their relationship lacked one element at least that let him to cheat, So he shouldn't be the only one who's blamed, i'm just saying that when there's a problem the TWO sides are involved. 

                             & as Jennifer Yane said "The only thing that has to be finished by next Tuesday is next Monday." Just as "He/she hurt me" well they wouldn't have hurt you if you didn't let them too. So stop whining & matter about what's heading towards you. Start to figure out what should have been done to make it right next time, Let go of what happened & hold on to what you believe in so that next time you can act better.

                              You shouldn't be where you were going, but also you shouldn't be where you were. Don't let people actions hold you back. Dream what you want to dream; go where you want to go; be what you want to be, because you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you want to do. Take chances, make mistakes. That's how you grow. Pain nourishes your courage. You have to fail in order to practice being brave.

If you want to gather it, Then don't kick over it.
                                   Those phrases "No i'm not gonna be the one who calls first" " Play hard to get !! Play hard to get !! Don't be naive & play hard to get !!",...etc. Those phrases that pass by our ears everyday from a lot of people. Why aren't relationships as before, I'm not saying that relationships were easy, No relationships were never easy, i'm talking about some phases in any relationship. Why do now both sides have to play hard to get ?! & sometimes the two of them get bored & move on ! Why don't guys *a lot of guys but not all* anymore take one girl enough at a time ?!

                                    What is that stupid concept that some guys have about have at least two girls at a time so that when one leaves you have got another one ?! Yeah time changes stuff & people, but not like that ! What is that that guys like about saying perverted things & they think that girls like them !? *Trash* Guys who think like that know nothing about a girl. Here's a fact about girls *GIRLS HATE WHEN GUYS SAY PERVERTED THINGS* Don't even think that we're gonna like you if you said those stuff, you're wrong if you think that. & What is that other stupid concept that girls aren't as before anymore ?!?! What are you talking about ?! Girls haven't changed that way. We just stopped believing jerks, we're more aware of assholes, & we know what we are capable of. Girls still have that kind side of them but just if you deserve her then she'll show it to you.

                                     So GUYS stop blaming girls for the way you're treating them,Blame yourself. & Stop that "She doesn't have that look that i'm looking for." phrase. *Trash* Did you even think of giving a fat/nerd/gothic/emo/..etc a chance to know her ?! *NO* Then you don't have the right to judge her...!!!!! & GIRLS just because some guy didn't treat you right doesn't mean that all of them won't. NOT all the guys or girls are the same !!  

                                      Relationships shouldn't be that complicated,shouldn't be about who calls first & those smallness thoughts ,shouldn't be that if a GUY/GIRL call first or say sth sentimintal first then one of them is easy to get, Stop that way of thinking. Relationships should be about BOTH sides. Both sides should TRUST and RESPECT eachother, They should see their relationship as an opportunity to give.They should admit their mistakes,listen,support each other. They should be open to each other,& they should want each other more than they need each other. Cause if they do that then they will be good relationship builders.
                                       So treasure your relationships,learn to see the other and honor him/her for what he/she is, I guess its obvious through out your life that you can't always control what goes on outside. But you can always control what goes on inside.

A drop of honey :)
               Here we go, Actions speak louder than words & when you smile its like saying " I like you, you make me happy, i'm glad to see you ",so just smile, let your soul shine through your eyes & your smile.
       Do you know what your smile can do ?! Smiling isn't just about shaping that curve on your lips ' :) ' Smiling is a lot more than that curve, You have to smile from your inside, you have to let your heart shape that curve & really mean it. Challenge yourself to smile as many times as you can through out your day. Wake up in the morning, look at yourself in the mirror & say to yourself " Today isn't like any other day, i'm gonna start a new chapter in my life, i'm gonna smile to everyone i see even if i don't know them, even if some will think that i'm a freak it won't matter with me cause maybe my smile will be that curve that straightens somebody's day & prove to him that things will get better" Yeah say it to yourself several times & mean it while you say it. 
               Smile,Smile,Smile & mean it. You're smile is powerful, You're smile is the smallest act of caring, that has the potential to change a life around. You're smile is like that drop of honey that sweetness your bad day. Having a bad day ?! Don't feel like smiling ?! Well force yourself to SMILE to experience how it will turn things a little better, how your smile will make the beginning of that rainbow visible.

              Whenever you go out-of-doors, draw the chin in, carry the crown of head high, & fill the lungs to the utmost, drink in the sunshine , & greet your friends with a smile. & remember smiling costs nothing but creates much. For nobody needs a smile so much as those who have none left to give.

                 So l
et your soul smile through your heart and your heart smile through your eyes, that you may scatter rich smiles in sad hearts ':)'


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